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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Five Reasons Not To Date a Writer

Writers are foul creatures. When you see them you should throw garbage at them. While there are many, here's just
Five Reasons Not to Date a Writer:

1)  They spend 95% of their time in their own head.
This is frustrating for anyone who thinks their significant other should pay attention to them. The horrible writer has an incessant droning in their mind; constant chatter from characters, endings working themselves out, plots twisting in their brain... It's impossible to shut this out. So they don't. They'll never apologize for this just like a normal person wouldn't apologize for the color of their eyes. 

2)  They refuse to acknowledge reality.
The other 5% of the writer's time is spent in the worlds of their stories. If the smelly writer is working on a story about depressed teenage zombies, expect them to turn into whiny, incoherent jerks. They write what they know (or imagine) so they always want to know everything/be everything. Writers feed on raw emotions and experiences. They cause trouble because they're assholes just to see how it feels.

3)  They need to fit everything in the context of a story.
You say: "I'm going to be late tonight."
Since you didn't give the idiot writer a back story or motive they've already forgotten. The imbecilic writer imagines dinosaurs attacking your workplace and an epic battle. Or something equally insane. Your one sentence sparked fifteen new stories. How could a dumb writer remember what you said after all that? Now if you said: "I'm going to be late tonight because Harvey had diarrhea and I have to clean up his mess before someone slips in it and breaks their leg," the writer wouldn't forget. Remember: writers are fools.

4)  They are embarrassing incorrigible people watchers.
Often accused of staring or being disconnected from a crowd, the writer enjoys being the fly on the wall. They can usually pinpoint things like what someone was wearing or which hand they used to scratch their nose. They watch for human behavior like they're aliens. People fascinate them. Every person is a new character to study and question. When they know these foreigners they can start to act social. Awkwardly.

5)  They are the most controlling people in the world.
It's not their fault. Pity the poor writer. They have too much practice pushing and pulling their characters around the worst and best experiences of their lives. The writer sees your life as a book. They know which of your friends is villain or ally. They know how to get you from conflict to happy ending. And their egos won't keep it a secret. You may resent them, but you know they're always right.

If you're a masochist or you feel bad for the lonely outcast, here's
Five Reasons Why You Should Date a Writer:
1)  They're crazy. You'll never get bored if you actually listen to what they're thinking.
2)  They may be rich one day. And maybe even famous.
3)  They can be funny. Even if you're just laughing at them.
4)  They'll probably make you live forever as a character in their work. You could also be tortured if you do them wrong. And generations will hate you. But you could be the next great hero, too!
5)  They see through people easily (and don't like many people) so if they do like you, feel special and don't fuck it up. 

Have you dated someone worse than a writer? Share your story in the comments below! I look forward to your own lists :)